from now on my penis is your penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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