and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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