i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
