I met the friendliest cop last night
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
