Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
