Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
