dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
