i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
