The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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