If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
