he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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