I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
