When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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