WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
