your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
