ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
