My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
