dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
