david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
