Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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