if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
