i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
