guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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