Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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