I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
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Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
do nipples grow back?
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