people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i love accidental penises.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
