do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
