he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
