dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize