i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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