she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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