hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
