Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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