I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
