I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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