The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
