god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i came on her dog
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
