you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
