I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
