my phone needs a breathalizer
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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