you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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