and you said cock pushups were impossible
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
