Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I deserve this hangover.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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