Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
