Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
