And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
