so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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