I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
