You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
