Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
