it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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