John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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