I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
