I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
