Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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