thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
