Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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