shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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