my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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