dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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